Tag Archives: vegan

Death By Toxic Throw-Pillow Fibres

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Yello peeps,

 

My mother has made a friend recently. This friend is a vegan. Now, some of us may be aware of vegans on the internet – particularly Tumblr and Twitter. You might even recognize the game “find the vegan”.

However, my mother found it extremely worrisome when this vegan tweeted, in response to “mmm bacon”, “CUNT”. Then, later, “I no longer want to live on this planet.” I’m assuming this had something to do with a hamburger or somebody thinking tuna isn’t an animal. My mother, on the other hand, was thrown into a whirl of panic and distress:

she looked up his address

texted the vegan

called the vegan

promptly decided that the vegan needed a relaxing get-together

Thus, she and the vegan were going to visit Ikea on Friday.

And, speaking of Ikea…

“Do we have extra throw-pillows?”

very loud silence

I explained that I needed them to make my bed more attractive, since I wanted to use it as a background in my YouTube videos.

My mom burst into a fit of cackling laughter. “OH THE VAPID STATEMENT”, she shrieked mockingly

“OH THE TEENAGE TROUBLES”

More laughter.

I stood there as she amused herself. 

Then, suddenly, she responded in an *almost* serious tone: “You could use your old clothing to make shreds and create more pillows.”

oh, the beauty…

I wondered vaguely if that would really be a positive addition to the aesthetic – perhaps I could film a DIY tutorial parody.

But before I could respond, she laughed again, before gasping in shock:

“What if you inhaled toxic fibres from the fabric and died?!”

I expressed some doubt concerning that possibility, teasing her lightly, but she defended herself:

“But things happen!

People kill themselves!

Ahhh we were back with the vegan.

It occurred to me that I could share this story and give people a laugh, so I asked permission to blog about it.

“About what? Nothing’s happened.”

Exactly, mother, exactly.

 

Cheers,

Penny

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I Almost Met Freddie Mercury (and other trivialities)

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Good morning peeps!

 

Yes, I’m up, and actually writing again, finally. Now before I continue, I’d like to just say that I wish I were still asleep because my mother came in with her motivated “rise and shine” just as I was about to meet Freddie Mercury in my dream.

i will begrudge her this forever

Apart from that though, I’m writing out of guilt, since I sortof disappeared for like three days. But I have much exciting news! *audience squints unconvincedly*

Well, I did go to the library, and borrow books for research on my graduation paper. My topic is 9/11, so this shouldn’t be dismal.

*immediately feels guilty about slight humor*

Oh, but in other news: My mother has decided that it would be in all of our health-benefits to try going vegan for a week. Testing it before a permanent decision or something.

I am that man. That man is me. The ball is tofu.

And so of course, I am now realizing how much of my diet consists of things that apparently don’t qualify as vegan. Such as everything that isn’t fruits or vegetables.

I had an entire pack of rice-cakes for breakfast this morning.

It was delicious.

(They even specify the “ingredients” on the packaging: rice.)

But tomorrow is the last day, and then I hope (I’m assuming, please God) that Mom will come to her senses. I’ll die from eating meat and cheese if need be (and we all know I mean the cheese), because otherwise I’ll die from not eating them. And which one is the slower, more painful death? That’s right.

So, enjoy all the beautiful food you eat today, and savor the taste for me!

 

Cheers,

Penny