Tag Archives: death

Death By Toxic Throw-Pillow Fibres

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Yello peeps,

 

My mother has made a friend recently. This friend is a vegan. Now, some of us may be aware of vegans on the internet – particularly Tumblr and Twitter. You might even recognize the game “find the vegan”.

However, my mother found it extremely worrisome when this vegan tweeted, in response to “mmm bacon”, “CUNT”. Then, later, “I no longer want to live on this planet.” I’m assuming this had something to do with a hamburger or somebody thinking tuna isn’t an animal. My mother, on the other hand, was thrown into a whirl of panic and distress:

she looked up his address

texted the vegan

called the vegan

promptly decided that the vegan needed a relaxing get-together

Thus, she and the vegan were going to visit Ikea on Friday.

And, speaking of Ikea…

“Do we have extra throw-pillows?”

very loud silence

I explained that I needed them to make my bed more attractive, since I wanted to use it as a background in my YouTube videos.

My mom burst into a fit of cackling laughter. “OH THE VAPID STATEMENT”, she shrieked mockingly

“OH THE TEENAGE TROUBLES”

More laughter.

I stood there as she amused herself. 

Then, suddenly, she responded in an *almost* serious tone: “You could use your old clothing to make shreds and create more pillows.”

oh, the beauty…

I wondered vaguely if that would really be a positive addition to the aesthetic – perhaps I could film a DIY tutorial parody.

But before I could respond, she laughed again, before gasping in shock:

“What if you inhaled toxic fibres from the fabric and died?!”

I expressed some doubt concerning that possibility, teasing her lightly, but she defended herself:

“But things happen!

People kill themselves!

Ahhh we were back with the vegan.

It occurred to me that I could share this story and give people a laugh, so I asked permission to blog about it.

“About what? Nothing’s happened.”

Exactly, mother, exactly.

 

Cheers,

Penny

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Family Discussions – the optimal death (trigger alert)

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Hey peeps,

 

So, I was at a restaurant with my mom and brother, and we were discussing life, as family might at a restaurant. #muchphilosophical

And we were sitting outside, so I suddenly realized that the black emptiness next to us was rather unsettling, reminding one somewhat of “The Hound of the Baskervilles”.

Silence fell, as my two people turned to admire the darkness.

i mean you just KNOW that that creepy-ass dog was just waiting to attack us all.

“Well”, my mother remarked, “I’m closest to the edge, so I’d get eaten first. And while it feasted on me, you could both escape.”

Futher silence ensued.

My brother and I sat there, feeling the immense guilt of our mother hypothetically sacrificing herself for us.

The thing is, as I then remarked, that it would be even crappier if a child sacrificed themself for their parent. For obvious reasons.

Anyway, before it gets too dark on this post, let’s move on!

also: TRIGGER ALERT

Somehow, we drifted from this to the topic of “the optimal death”. Suicide, in particular, since we can’t really choose our death otherwise.

My theory, btw, is that the best way to die would be to jump off a really really high place (for example a plane) with no parachute, and as you were plummetting to your death, you could enjoy your last seconds of life, feeling that flying sensation, spreading your arms and having the wind in your hair.

just a slightly different landing…

The only problem is that then you might suddenly regret killing yourself. So, as my brother was about to offer his opinion on this, my mother piped in:

“Do you think people are listening to us?”

 

Cheers,

Penny