My darling peeps,
As I am young and rather inexperienced, such things like first dates and flirtacious actions don’t exactly come, well, naturally to me.
However, at my class’ end-of-the-year party, a rather socially awkward Penny became a very fearless one. (more to Party Penny and her misAdventures here ˆˆ)
And so it came to be that I somehow ended up taking selfies with a particular party crasher, while gently ignoring his attempts at hitting on me, as I was more in a yaysummer mood than a flirty one.
my impending doom
Soon, it was time for me to head home – gotta love a curfew – so I bade my goodbyes (oh so tearful), and was off.
This guy apparently hadn’t had enough of the hot mess he had just encountered…so he got hold of a number, and texted it, without even knowing whose it was. The friend of mine who happened to be the textee asked me if it was ok to give this guy (we’ll call him Jake) my number.
Now, whether this behavior should be categorized as hulloh-prince-charming or potential-stalker, I was quite flattered, so I agreed. And whaddayaknow, Jake texts me and immediately starts gushing out emojis and little compliments, and after a few brief exchanges, asks me out on a date.
Like I said, my current mentality was more focused on me, myself, and my sunny July. But who can resist the persistent attention of a new admirer? We set an appointment, and eventually, it was time.
*Sigh* Well, not only had Party Penny met this person instead of Real Time Penny, but it had also been dark. So I was a little surprised when I spotted him in the distance – and it became clear that he was about an inch and a half shorter than me.
Please don’t hate me, I really don’t want to be this shallow, and I realize I sound like the most arrogant little brat in the world. So, I told myself that his personality might be absolutely stunning, and that he might sweep me off my feet on a whole different level.
See this is NOT me. I swear. #diggingmyowngrave
However, he was also wearing flip-flops and a tank top, which was almost a slap in the face considering the effort I had gone to in order to make myself date-worthy (yet seemingly careless, of course). We’re talking standards here.
And suddenly, a wave of nervousness hit me. What if we were, as I suspected, completely incompatible? What if he thought I was hideous? Why did I even care? I had to circle around the building and calm down before actually going up and saying hi.
hahahahahaha sure thing #notlikeitsmyfirstdateinninemonthsoranything
I might say the date was…underwhelming. Jake was a nice enough guy, so no personal grudges there, but it was pretty clear that we were neither meant to be, nor were we looking for the same type of relationship (what kind of relationship was I looking for anyway?). And though a glass of wine tried to persuade me otherwise, I knew that there would be no happy ending to this story.
my birthday is creeping towards the present…so…(pls get me this someone)
Towards the end of the date, I was desperately trying to stay flirty and fun while simultaneously remaining at a physical distance. But with his determination, there was no polite way out of an eventual kiss. (ok, maybe I just need to learn to say “no”, but it really wasn’t the end of the world. I’ve kissed people before.)
This. Guy. Was. A. Smoker.
I think you can imagine what I’m about to say.
I COULD TASTE IT.
IT TASTED LIKE A CORPSE.
except, yknow, less nicolas cage and more decomposition
Stopping myself from ranting on that topic, let’s just note that the date was over rather quickly after that (again, curfew, this time to my rescue). And I started planning how to subtly push Jake away from my dating life.
Well, again via text, I soon made it rather obvious that I was not romantically interested, which was met with little resistance. Except that, as I said previously, the two of us had entirely different priorities.
And he promptly suggested we become friends with benefits.
I needed to escape, and quick.
I attempted to decline the offer, but he kept pushing the idea, insisting that he really enjoyed kissing me.
Finally, I lost it. Sortof. Knowing myself, I knew that putting my thoughts into words might come across a little….well, much like a bomb. Destruction and chaos might result. So I controlled myself. Sortof.
What I ended up sending him was a long chain of memes (about twenty I’d say), describing what an utter douchebag I considered him to be. I’m not exactly proud.
does this make me one of them?
Needless to say, the conversation was cut short – this involved an angry retort on his part and my blocking of his number – and I was free!
But, yknow, trust that love will find you! There’s someone for everyone! #lovewins
I’ll just enjoy my sunny July over here ˆˆ