Category Archives: how to life

for when I need to reveal my inner know-it-all,
when i think I know how stuff works,
etc

the excitement that is couch #sniffles

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Dear peeps,

 

I make it my goal to share as much as possible with you – too much, ideally – yet this is made challenging when days are spent blinking drousily into the stabbing sunlight, lounging lifelessly around on the sofa.

Basically, being sick is extremely exciting.

This actually happened to me once (i had a runny nose)

So instead of fascinating you with all the riveting details of my ailments, here’s a list of things to do when you’re under the weather:

1. Paint nails.

Beautiful.

2. Watch movie. Youtube. TV series.

Be doted on by mother. Exploit her kindness.

3. Plan crafts on Pinterest.

4. Think about fun.

5. Look at yummy recipes. Don’t go in kitchen because you are contageous.

6. Stare into the abyss, listening to that buzzing noise you always hear when you’re sick.

7. Listen to country & jazz, because that doesn’t worsen the headache.

Appropriate sticker.

8. Complain to everyone.

9. Feel ignored and rejected.

10. Go on “bens bitter blog” to join in the bitterness.

11. Be mocked by the beautiful sunny weather.

it burns usss

12. Decide you’ll have fun if you want to, do fun thing, get sicker.

Determined. To. Have. Fun.

So, now that I’ve inspired all of you with my up-beat mentality, I’d like ro remark that yesterday, August 1st, was national Switzerland day over here!

And as a sign of my overwhelming patriotism, I am expressing my celebration the day after :D

I did wear a red shirt yesterday, so I think it’s fine.

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This, btw, was the “fun” i was talking about #groceryshoppingwithmom

 

Cheers,

Penny

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things to do instead of that assignment thats due today – how to win at life

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Hi peeps,

 

I’m hyperventilating as I write this, because while I’m supposed to be writing a French essay that’s due this evening, every cell in my body is fighting against my basic survival instinct, convincing me that ambitions aren’t important. (More to this wisdom with my inner hobo.)

In other words, I really really don’t want to write the essay. #wheretheresnowill

Here is a list of things I have done in an effort to fail my class:

1. Spend entire evening binge-watching Jimmy Fallon.

2. Practice musical instrument – you’re being “productive“, not “running away from responsibility”, sheesh.

3. Pretend to do “research” on your topic (hello, google images).

4. Lie face-down on couch.

5. Stare into open refrigerator, munching on a rice-cake.

6. Plan what I’m going to do to make myself do the assignment. (lose track and wake up on pinterest)

7. Have a headache.

8. Search for “how to stop procrastinating” – subsequently watch all of Superwoman’s YouTube videos.

9. Open Word. Choose font. Cry.

Well, those are my positive words of advice for today, because now I’m going to go “write my essay”…

A high-five for everyone who made it to the bottom of this post!

U rock man

 

Cheers,

Penny

The Aesthetics Of A Perfect Cat – choosing a pet

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Dear peeps,

 

Some of you may own – or have owned – a pet.

And I ask you, in all sincerity: How did you choose it?

Did you adopt? Did you buy from the pet-store? Did you get a kitten from your friend’s litter?

You see, my mother recently decided that we were going to finally get a cat. I say finally, because we have decided this at least four times in the last eight years, to very unspectacular results.

we own this book, and at age 12, i read the whole thing

This time doesn’t seem drastically different, because although we made up our minds as to how we were going to acquire a cat – we were going to adopt one – my mother has her heart set on getting a cat that also serves as interior decoration.

this would seem like the ideal solution (in fact, her comment on this picture was “actually, that’s beautiful”)

So, we got to searching every conceivable adopt-a-pet website for the most flawless animal we could find.

Not so difficult, you say? There are plenty of gorgeous cats, you say?

The problem was, my mother and I appear to have different tastes in cat.

Yes, because while I had previously believed my own preferred type of cat to be the universally appreciated one, I was apparently quite mistaken.

My choices were labelled “skinny”, “emaciated”, “ugly”, “scary”, “revolting”, “pitiful”, and my personal favorite: “depressed“. We wouldn’t want to get a cat in need of professional therapy, would we?

i feel like decision making would be simpler

Also, update: The cat can’t smell like a cat.

In other words, we probably won’t be getting a cat.

But we can always satisfy our longing for the feline creatures by consuming multiple hours of cat-videos on YouTube. And indeed, we have done this in the past.

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i find it mildly concerning that not only is this an option, but ONE HOUR? #simslogic #underoroverstatement?

The best way to do this is by typing in “cute fluffy cat“, and then judging the fluffiness of the cats in question, while leaving insulting comments if the alleged “fluffy” cat is not fluffy enough.

that may or may not have happened…

Basically, I will most likely end up a crazy cat lady, while my mother goes through pages and pages of what she described as “a dating website for cats”, wishing she were a crazy cat lady.

Can’t wait!

 

Cheers,

Penny

How To Avoid Tan-Lines! – an ode to modern fashion

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Hi peeps!

 

Ok, so summer ist upon us. #observant

And I am very gradually coming to the conclusion that it might be time to change out the cardigans and scarves I’ve been wearing for clothes that will allow my skin to breathe and develop that radiant, healthy, sun-kissed glow.

i feel like that dress doesn’t do much for her complexion, but this is the color i’m going for

The only issue is, in order to wear summer clothing, I must own summer clothing.

In order to own summer clothing, I must buy summer clothing.

This is a very real obstacle.

See, what happens in clothing stores (and let’s be honest: we know I mean H&M #forlife) is that I walk in, all confident and cheerful, I drag myself around the aisles – despite armpit sweat and questionable oxygen levels – picking and choosing, like a good customer should.

Well.

Then, after standing in line for the changing rooms for *five minutes* (half and hour), I get to trying the things on.

And suddenly, the mirrors are surrounding me!

The flourescent lights are blinding my eyes, all I can do is to squint suspiciously at my reflection…

Searching for the clothes I supposedly just put on… And the terror hits me!

please pay us 30 bucks to be naked :)

My knees wobble.

I desperately attempt to free myself from the strips of fabric.

Whimpering, I slide down the wall and hit the floor.

My body, once so motivated and full of life, now lies helplessly on the scratchy carpet, waiting to be rescued.

One leg halfway through a pair of hot-pants, price-tags strewn around me like bullets.

Limbs twitching.

I….can’t…go on….

Accepting the vicious, cruel reality of what is now considered fashion, I consider the advantages of nudism.

No tan-lines?

should i give in to the pressures of society?

Deciding to preserve my dignity, I opt for…procrastination.

Shopping can be completed a different time.

 

Cheers,

Penny

How I Totally Crushed The First Date #orsomething

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My darling peeps,

 

As I am young and rather inexperienced, such things like first dates and flirtacious actions don’t exactly come, well, naturally to me.

However, at my class’ end-of-the-year party, a rather socially awkward Penny became a very fearless one. (more to Party Penny and her misAdventures here ˆˆ)

And so it came to be that I somehow ended up taking selfies with a particular party crasher, while gently ignoring his attempts at hitting on me, as I was more in a yaysummer mood than a flirty one.

my impending doom

Soon, it was time for me to head home – gotta love a curfew – so I bade my goodbyes (oh so tearful), and was off.

Well.

This guy apparently hadn’t had enough of the hot mess he had just encountered…so he got hold of a number, and texted it, without even knowing whose it was. The friend of mine who happened to be the textee asked me if it was ok to give this guy (we’ll call him Jake) my number.

Now, whether this behavior should be categorized as hulloh-prince-charming or potential-stalker, I was quite flattered, so I agreed. And whaddayaknow, Jake texts me and immediately starts gushing out emojis and little compliments, and after a few brief exchanges, asks me out on a date.

Like I said, my current mentality was more focused on me, myself, and my sunny July. But who can resist the persistent attention of a new admirer? We set an appointment, and eventually, it was time.

*Sigh* Well, not only had Party Penny met this person instead of Real Time Penny, but it had also been dark. So I was a little surprised when I spotted him in the distance – and it became clear that he was about an inch and a half shorter than me.

Please don’t hate me, I really don’t want to be this shallow, and I realize I sound like the most arrogant little brat in the world. So, I told myself that his personality might be absolutely stunning, and that he might sweep me off my feet on a whole different level.

See this is NOT me. I swear. #diggingmyowngrave

However, he was also wearing flip-flops and a tank top, which was almost a slap in the face considering the effort I had gone to in order to make myself date-worthy (yet seemingly careless, of course). We’re talking standards here.

And suddenly, a wave of nervousness hit me. What if we were, as I suspected, completely incompatible? What if he thought I was hideous? Why did I even care? I had to circle around the building and calm down before actually going up and saying hi.

hahahahahaha sure thing #notlikeitsmyfirstdateinninemonthsoranything

I might say the date was…underwhelming. Jake was a nice enough guy, so no personal grudges there, but it was pretty clear that we were neither meant to be, nor were we looking for the same type of relationship (what kind of relationship was I looking for anyway?). And though a glass of wine tried to persuade me otherwise, I knew that there would be no happy ending to this story.

my birthday is creeping towards the present…so…(pls get me this someone)

Towards the end of the date, I was desperately trying to stay flirty and fun while simultaneously remaining at a physical distance. But with his determination, there was no polite way out of an eventual kiss. (ok, maybe I just need to learn to say “no”, but it really wasn’t the end of the world. I’ve kissed people before.)

This. Guy. Was. A. Smoker.

I think you can imagine what I’m about to say.

I COULD TASTE IT.

IT TASTED LIKE A CORPSE.

except, yknow, less nicolas cage and more decomposition

Stopping myself from ranting on that topic, let’s just note that the date was over rather quickly after that (again, curfew, this time to my rescue). And I started planning how to subtly push Jake away from my dating life.

Well, again via text, I soon made it rather obvious that I was not romantically interested, which was met with little resistance. Except that, as I said previously, the two of us had entirely different priorities.

And he promptly suggested we become friends with benefits.

I needed to escape, and quick.

I attempted to decline the offer, but he kept pushing the idea, insisting that he really enjoyed kissing me.

#theirony

Finally, I lost it. Sortof. Knowing myself, I knew that putting my thoughts into words might come across a little….well, much like a bomb. Destruction and chaos might result. So I controlled myself. Sortof.

What I ended up sending him was a long chain of memes (about twenty I’d say), describing what an utter douchebag I considered him to be. I’m not exactly proud.

does this make me one of them?

Needless to say, the conversation was cut short – this involved an angry retort on his part and my blocking of his number – and I was free!

But, yknow, trust that love will find you! There’s someone for everyone! #lovewins

I’ll just enjoy my sunny July over here ˆˆ

 

Cheers,

Penny

8 Things To Do On A Long Flight – you can flyyy you can flyyy you can flyyyyyyyyy ˆˆ

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Hi peeps!

 

As it is summer, I figure many of you may be going to exciting new places, travelling the world, visiting relatives, hangin’ at the beach, all of those fab things.

And of course, in order to achieve this fun (*insert salsa dance emoji here*) it is often necessary to fly.

alas, not like this #crushingdreams

This can be – entirely apart from the whole airport experience – quite a grueling process (although, the feeling of imminent death at take-off and landing do provide rather thrilling adrenaline rushes). Of course, as long as you’re not afraid of flying – I won’t add in any statistics here because I’m not sure if they’d be helpful or not – you can always just watch a dulling stream of, yknow, four, five, six movies and be done with it.

no judgement – also, fun fact: Whenever I’m on a plane, I get this irresistable urge to watch all the depressing movies – and I mean ALL of them. Les Mis, The Book Thief, Titanic, Gladiator, you  name it. So then my neighbors get the beautiful picture of mascara streaming down my face the entire flight. I can’t help it.

However, it’s only a matter of time before you’re really just watching the leftover options, and this could be anything from StarTrek (pls don’t attack me for that) to Mickey’s Great Adventures. Ah, yes. Boredom strikes!

But do not despair, for here I have made a list….WAYS TO OCCUPY YOURSELF ON LONG PLANE FLIGHTS!!! #applauseapplause

1. Ring up the flight attendants for water. Decide you don’t want it when they arrive. Repeat until they refuse to come. Then complain.

jk I just wanted to put that in there. No rly here goes:

 

1. Move aroung until you discover the perfect sleeping position.

Pro: This could last the entire flight.

Con: Because that position doesn’t exist.

now THERES a real option

or you can always do it like this

2. Entertain the small child two seats down.

Pro: Could last the entire flight, because the child doesn’t tire.

Con: Could last the entire flight, because the child doesn’t tire.

fun, fun, fun all the way

3. Become friends with your neighbor.

Pro: Interesting new conversation partner.

Con: Realizing you have nothing in common two hours into your ten hour flight.

when they side with your ex… #friendsproblems

4. Listen to classical music on the radio.

Pro: Very sophistication, much educated.

Con: 30 minute speaking-intermissions no one listens to.

#couldntfindafittingimage

5. Draw and express the talent you don’t usually have time for.

Pro: “Wowww did you draw that?”

Con: “We are experiencing some slight turbulences. Please remain calm.”

i don’t even know what this is

6. Read that book you’ve been meaning to read.

Pro: You’re finally reading that book.

Con: “We are experiencing some slight turbulences. Please remain calm.”

well…

7. Sleep. (referring back to 1., this might be difficult)

Pro: Avoiding jet-lag.

Con: …but you could be watching a movie…

Two types of people.

8. Watch movies until you arrive.

Pro: ALL DA MOVIES

Con: …feeling unfulfilled?

nahh, she looks fine

Imma be watching the movies. No question.

Have a great trip! (See you in the fall – hehe)

 

Also, it’s my Dad’s birthday today – he’s 45 :)

Happy birthday Daddy!

 

 

Cheers,

Penny

how to react when a friend fishes for compliments – the truthful guide

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Darling peeps, what a gorgeous day it is!

 

So, we’ve all been there – the land of self-loathing and critique, that is – and I can’t be far off in saying that we’ve all complained to our patient friends about how fat, weird, unpopular, or ugly we are (queue the tiny violin). In other words: We love to self-depricate.

And the only problem in this wonderfully liberating exercise is that sometimes, those friends aren’t quite as patient and doting as we had hoped.

I’m talking about responses like

“omg I’ve gained so much weight” – “well then just go on a diet for a while and you’ll be fine”

or

“ugh I have like two friends and everyone hates me” – “well, two friends is all you really need to have a good time!”

I could go on (with my vast experience of the fishing, no judgement pls), but I think you get the picture. I mean what really bugs me is that the “friends” giving these responses are genuinely trying to help, and usually, they’re even right!

But what they don’t understand:

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Just flat out deny all flaws. That’s right. Live in denial. #healthyhabits

Now, as of yet I’m not saying much that hasn’t been said before by someone or another. However. Here it comes.

Then there are the people who just lose all sense of etiquette and humoring. And. They. Join. In.

wut

This is when we have examples like these delightful ones:

“omg I’ve gained so much weight” – “well you have been eating a lot of dessert, tbh….”

“ugh I have like two friends and…” – “I think that’s because people don’t like your first impression, actually”

I’m sorry, give me a moment.

Because this has just rendered me speechless.

It’s like they’ve never even heard of LYING.

That’s the answer really.

Whether it’s the best friend, or the mother, or the brother who doesn’t even care if you look fat in that dress.

Yes, that’s the moral: Lie, kids, lie your asses off. Because it makes everyone happy.

Dishonesty is the right way to go.

#worldpeace

so much serenity

 

Cheers,

Penny