Category Archives: how to life

for when I need to reveal my inner know-it-all,
when i think I know how stuff works,
etc

@starbucks, subject: job ad

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Dear Starbucks HR person,

 

I was thrilled to come across your job ad on thiswebsite.com, as I feel like this is one of the few jobs I am qualified for with only a high school diploma, and I really really really want to earn money so that I can spend it (those driving lessons aren’t going to pay for themselves).

Basically, I know everything about your coffee, because I practically live in the Starbucks coffee house nearest my home and have spent way too much money on “these beans, ground for french press, and umm..a caramel macchiato tall to go” (the upsides of having a gold membership card) so at this point, it would really be more beneficial for everyone if I just worked there.

Since I was quite an engaged member of my school’s solidarity club for three and a half years, I also know exactly how to serve people cake and coffee (including remembering to refill the napkin supply) – and this is definitely the professional quality you are looking for.

I’m also a people person (aren’t we all), so I’d love to become a super motivated new part of your team and help customers receive maximum service and enjoy every sip of their cappuccinos even more than they did before. (Actually, since I really really really want to earn money, I would in fact be super motivated.)

Now I’m kind of done with my pitch, so I’d just like you to know that I’ve attached my CV to this email (a CV that has nothing to do with coffee, because I’m still secretly hoping to find a job that will have something to do with my future career, and also because fundraising bake sales can only fill so much space), and I greatly look forward to your reply! You’ll probably reject me because someone else has more experience, like spending a summer at McDonald’s. I tried, though.

 

Cheers,

Penny

 

P.S. I will literally be your mascot as long as it pays.

Wishing it Were Still Now… (precognitive nostalgia?)

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Dear peeps,

 

I have an issue that crops up now and again, maybe you can relate:

Have you ever been strolling along, enjoying life, whistling, breathing the fresh air, thinking about how perfect the world is?

No? Well, let me explain my predicament.

Imagine you had ever experienced this bliss, and then imagine that this happiness suddenly felt more like a pain which was growing ominously in your chest, until your vision became a sort of colorful blur and you stood there in the streets, in danger of being run over by a tram, panicking and not knowing which way to turn.

Now, assuming you managed to cross the street without suffering a brutal death, you wonder what on earth just happened to you. You think back to 30 seconds ago, and you realize that the problem had a very simple answer: you were too happy.

How can one even be too happy? Perhaps I should rephrase: You weren’t appreciating your happiness enough. It was physically impossible to appreciate it. It became overwhelming. You couldn’t take it all in at once, and the guilt and the pressure were just too much.

The hyperventilation is kicking in now – what if the happiness goes away and you didn’t use all of it?!!

(Use happiness? Yes, use happiness.)

What if your future is cold and bleak and your only chance to enjoy life is today, right now, or it will be WASTED FOREVER?

You realize that your only option is to intensify your appreciation, even if it seemed impossible until now; You breath deliberately, feeling the cool air fill your lungs and thinking hard about how lovely the sky, your friends, love, that pigeon over there is, oh how cute a screaming brat got ice-cream! THE WORLD IS AWESOME OMG!!!!!

The nostalgia of tomorrow is consuming your thoughts, and suddenly, you are close to tears!

Somebody release me from this hell!

And then, fried, your mind is wiped out, blank.

 

 

Am I really the only one?

Well, I suppose my point is this: Sometimes, I get really, ridiculously aware of what a huge thing it is that we are alive and active and that we get a chance to experience things on this earth, no matter how weird and sometimes horrific they are (e.g. screaming brats with ice-cream). And I believe that every once in a while, it’s healthy (to a certain degree) to stop and think about just that. It is the same reason that I don’t believe in regretting things, even if those things suck. You can dislike them, but hey, at least you did something. At least something happened to you. Absorb it and let it make you who you are.

yes, yes, i know… (suddenly wondering if i havent used this on here before). but srsly: think of all the things you could be doing instead of regretting something. what a waste of time.

This obviously isn’t a new thought.

Also, don’t overdo it. I’m pretty sure hyperventilation is actually dangerous. Just live, peeps. #peaceout

 

Cheers,

Penny

Paris is Next-Door

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Dear peeps,

 

When something like this happens, I often get the feeling that it is indecent to even speak of it, to even assume that we could possibly understand anything so horrible, when we haven’t experienced it first-hand. Or to talk on behalf of the people who have. But it is a necessity, so I’m going to share my thoughts here, and maybe you can relate to what I have to say.

I am not very involved in politics, I don’t always keep up with world happenings. It all just seems so irrelevant to my personal life that sometimes I just can’t be bothered. I think this is very common for young people in particular. And so yesterday evening, when my class’ group chat started exploding with shock and outrage at what was happening in Paris, I didn’t even read it until this morning.

When I realized what had happened, I was beyond ashamed. I am ashamed that I could ever feel exempt from the responsibility each person has of being involved in our global community. Such apathy is entirely arrogant.

Paris is next-door to Switzerland. My class went there on a trip last year. It could have been us. It could have been our friends or family, and for all these people, it was them and their friends, their family.Displaying IMG_0976.JPG

this is my best friend and me on the eiffel tower. it only took us three hours to get to paris.

this is my best friend and me on the eiffel tower. it only took us three hours on the train to get to paris.

I watched some video footage of people running out of Bataclan, screaming, wounded, falling, dead. A man yelling out repeatedly, “Oscar!” Limping.

Who is Oscar? Is Oscar okay?

There were people hanging onto window sills for dear life. You could hear gunfire. Shouts for help.

I have never seen anything so horrifying. This wasn’t a movie, a reenacted documentary. This was real. I cried for nearly fifteen minutes. At the same time, I knew that my mom and my brother were inside the house, safe. I was texting my friends about this, so they were safe. Obviously, they were all safe. They weren’t in Paris, they weren’t even in France. But the fear was there nonetheless.

“It is a horror.”

And then I watched François Hollande’s speech, speaking of France’s strength, the injustice, how they would overcome this evil, that they would go against ISIS ruthlessly. And my sense of fear and terror turned into rage.

Those cannot be humans behind those masks! Those are monsters! This is pure evil.

I want to be able to help, but the most I can do is like and share facebook posts, change my profile picture to the French flag, and be sad and angry. Believe me, I’m happy to do that. It’s important to show support, for every person to be there for the victims of these attacks, but we should strive for more.

facebook’s movement

I started this post by mentioning indecency vs necessity, and I want to come back to that now: I have often considered the idea of becoming a journalist, and frequently, the financial prospects (and yes, the “irrelevance” – the irony of this is not lost on me) put me off it. But the helplessness I felt today made me realize that I owe it to myself and to society to be one of the people who ties us together by ensuring that people are informed, that people understand the very real happenings around them, so that we don’t lead disconnected, oblivious lives.

This isn’t meant to be a life-changing post or some sort of instruction, but it’s the impression this event has made on me, and I wanted to share it with you.

Lastly, I want to say that I am so grateful for all of my friends and family, and my heart goes out to all those who have suffered through these attacks.

 

Sincerely,

Penny

 

Links to the main articles I read, not including the more recent updates (one is in French, but the footage is comprehensible all the same):

Le Monde

BBC News

 

Ever-Growing Infamy – plus holidays

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Good day to you peeps!

And what a good day it is indeed!

What-ho? you say.

Yes! For on this fine earth-rotation, Penny Shares Too Much has reached

in my defence, i typed in “drumroll epic”, and not “childhood friend on fire”

♥50 FOLLOWERS♥

So, kneel before me, as I rule your universe of Randomus Shitoneous, and let me lead you into ever rising levels of ridicule and destruction!

We shall defeat our enemies together and rule the world!

Nothing will stop the sharing!

Too. Much. Can’t. Stop.

For example:

Today, I bought a pumpkin for Halloween (the night of slutty minions and penis onesies is nearly upon us),

And as I was walking home with my baby (yes, I mean the pumpkin – *whew*), there was a man walking behind me, and I suddenly contemplated the possibility of him suddenly attacking me and eating me for his Hallow’s Eve banquet.

But then, I realized that I would be fully capable of defending myself, because I could just smash his evil skull in with my giant orange globe, and then scamper away unscathed!

Hurrah for spontaneous weapons!

So, now you know how to survive an unexpected ambush when carrying only a pumpkin. Have a safe and happy Halloween!!!!!!!

Cheers,

Penny

Endangering My Sanity

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Dear peeps,

 

I am about to give you important life-advice, and trust me when I tell you: I am a pro.

Not because I am a pro at life, but because I am a pro at failing at life.

So here is a list of things you shouldn’t do. Also, excuse me, since I am in a state of seeing red right now, so my wording may seem less fairy-like than usual.

and pls dont ask how wording can be fairy like. srsly. not today.

Right, lemme start the list:

  • Don’t replace your laptop with a tablet. Specifically, don’t replace your beautiful, lovely, all-powerful laptop with a hideous, useless, stupid, good for squat SAMSUNG GALAXY TABLET or whatever it is that I spent ALL my savings on.

  • Don’t listen to the girl at the electronics store who is thrilled that suckers like you have no clue what they’re doing and will gladly buy all the pieces of crap none of the normal people wanted.

  • Dont be surprised when editing photos, watching videos, even creating a simple Word or Powerpoint document proves to be nigh impossible on your new Samsung Galaxy Tablet that you bought with all your savings.

Please help me.

  • Don’t have high expectations when it comes to the bluetooth keyboard you paid for specifically to not have to type everything on the touch screen, because it will probably decide to not work for no reason other than it didn’t feel like it. No, it didn’t come with a charger or batteries. And no, I didn’t spill anything on it or drop it.

dont we all just luvvvv inspirational quotes

  • Don’t rant about your broken keyboard and / or shitty tablet on the internet, because who the hell wants to read something that negative anyway?

Wait…ok yeah I see it now. Sorry. I’ll stop.

So, learn from my mistakes, and just get the laptop. You have been warned. I’m gonna go cry now.

 

Cheers,

Penny

Gifts To Give To Your Favorite People

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Dear peeps,

So, with Christmas creeping ever closer, I thought it’d be about time to create a little list for myself of all the things I need to buy.

What do you mean “it’s September”?

But before we begin, I would like to mention that we could give this post an alternate title, perhaps “Making Friends: Part 1”

Enjoy.

Deodorant.

And be thorough about it!

“Weight Loss For Dummies”

“This did wonders for my friend’s cousin!”

Lemons

Bonus points if you explain their symbolic resonance.

Mouth wash

As with deodorant: Don’t go cheap. Get the good stuff.

Kitty sweater

Making their baby this happy is bound to draw you two closer!

“I ♡ Paris” key-chain – especially when she’s never been to Paris

Because nothing says love like taking thirty entire seconds to pick out this three-euro treasure.

A cactus

“Oh I know just where to put this!”

The gift you’re regifting and forgot they gave you.

Concealer

“I did my best to get you something useful!” – “Awww how sweet!”

“11’002 things to be miserable about”

41hcDEr6ywL._SY344_BO1,204,203,200_

One-size-fits-all socks

*sandals not included*

*sandals not included*

Also, just a quick side note: I may or may  ot have received and/or given various items on this list…

Now, scamper off and play, kids!

Cheers,

Penny

Things To Do In Boring Classes

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Dear peeps,

 

Have you ever played this game? –> draw the frame of a face (male or female), and then finish the rest with pencil. can be done over and over (and over and over and…)

Credits to my bestie and myself B) #talent

le greensleaves.

le greensleaves.

le cheer-leader

le cheer-leader

le princess and the frog

le princess and the frog

le man-bun.

le man-bun.

le douchebag.

le douchebag.

le sexy gamer girl

le sexy gamer girl

le "i was a hippy in the sixties".

le “i was a hippy in the sixties”.

le mozart.

le mozart.

le so in love

le so in love

le mean girls

le mean girls

le edgy.

le edgy.

le math teacher

le math teacher

Feel free to steal our game!

 

Cheers,

Penny