Monthly Archives: April 2016

@starbucks, subject: job ad

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Dear Starbucks HR person,

 

I was thrilled to come across your job ad on thiswebsite.com, as I feel like this is one of the few jobs I am qualified for with only a high school diploma, and I really really really want to earn money so that I can spend it (those driving lessons aren’t going to pay for themselves).

Basically, I know everything about your coffee, because I practically live in the Starbucks coffee house nearest my home and have spent way too much money on “these beans, ground for french press, and umm..a caramel macchiato tall to go” (the upsides of having a gold membership card) so at this point, it would really be more beneficial for everyone if I just worked there.

Since I was quite an engaged member of my school’s solidarity club for three and a half years, I also know exactly how to serve people cake and coffee (including remembering to refill the napkin supply) – and this is definitely the professional quality you are looking for.

I’m also a people person (aren’t we all), so I’d love to become a super motivated new part of your team and help customers receive maximum service and enjoy every sip of their cappuccinos even more than they did before. (Actually, since I really really really want to earn money, I would in fact be super motivated.)

Now I’m kind of done with my pitch, so I’d just like you to know that I’ve attached my CV to this email (a CV that has nothing to do with coffee, because I’m still secretly hoping to find a job that will have something to do with my future career, and also because fundraising bake sales can only fill so much space), and I greatly look forward to your reply! You’ll probably reject me because someone else has more experience, like spending a summer at McDonald’s. I tried, though.

 

Cheers,

Penny

 

P.S. I will literally be your mascot as long as it pays.

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Why We Can’t Get a Cat – part 2

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Dear peeps,

 

I considered titling this post “why we can’t adopt a child”, but figured that would require too much explaining. Instead, some of you may remember that time my mother decided that a proper pet should serve as interior decoration (The Aesthetics of a Perfect Cat – choosing a pet)*. Well, this is a sort of continuation of that :D

It is true that, in many ways, my mother and I share the same taste (when it comes to Jude Law, for example, or the fact that chocolate cake is not adequate unless it is basically a brownie). However, some fundamental differences have cropped up. These differences include views on curfews, skirt lengths, bright purple nail-polish, tomatoes, or cats, as previously mentioned. But never did I expect for it to go so far as….

CHILDREN

 

 

 

it's not what it sounds like

it’s not what it sounds like

 

i swear, youre getting a totally wrong idea! #diggingmyowngrave

The thing is that my mom and I have had multiple conversations in the past like this:

Penny: That’s a cute one!

Mom: Nah…

Penny: It’s a baby, how can you be so mean?

Mom: It’s just ugly.

 

innocent child, blissfully unaware of the harsh critique it is receiving

Or this:

Mom: Ok, that one’s cute!

Penny: Hm….I suppose. It’s not quite my style.

Mom: What’s wrong with it?

Penny: It’s too pale. I like the chubby ones with sparkly eyes and everything. My mother did wish for me to specify that this is a sort of parody of reality, and that she does find all  babies to be adorable (except for the screaming ones), especially the ones with sparkly eyes and everything. I guess I shouldn’t go around misrepresenting people like this.

ok, so this one might be suspecting something…

Fortunately, my mother and I probably won’t be adopting children together any time soon, so the problem remains irrelevant. Also, we’ve decided that my children will be the cutest anyway, so…I’m just going to be silent now…

 

Cheers,

Penny

 

*We really never did get a cat, by the way.